Physical attraction does make a difference in a marriage.

Physical appearance plays a crucial role in shaping new relationships, but does it continue to affect established relationships, such as marriage? In the current study, the authors examined how observer ratings of each spouse's facial attractiveness and the difference between those ratings were associated with (a) observations of social support behavior and (b) reports of marital satisfaction.

In contrast to the robust and almost universally positive effects of levels of attractiveness on new relationships, the only association between levels of attractiveness and the outcomes of these marriages was that attractive husbands were less satisfied.

Further, in contrast to the importance of matched attractiveness to new relationships, similarity in attractiveness was unrelated to spouses' satisfaction and behavior. Instead, the relative difference between partners' levels of attractiveness appeared to be most important in predicting marital behavior, such that both spouses behaved more positively in relationships in which wives were more attractive than their husbands, but they behaved more negatively in relationships in which husbands were more attractive than their wives. These results highlight the importance of dyadic examinations of the effects of spouses' qualities on their marriages.

Source: Beyond initial attraction: Physical attractiveness in newlywed marriage. By McNulty, James K.; Neff, Lisa A.; Karney, Benjamin R. Journal of Family

There are ways to find that perfect partner.

Marriage isn't all fun and games.

So if you're gonna do it, do it right. But how do you know who to marry? Should you just trust your feelings or pick the person who "looks good on paper"? Luckily, science has answers for us:

1) Find someone who you idealize and who idealizes you. (I've posted about the benefits delusion has on love before.) If you're already cynical about the person by the time you hit the altar, you're in trouble:

This study examined the long-term consequences of idealization in marriage, using both daily diary and questionnaire data collected from a sample of 168 newlywed couples who participated in a 4-wave, 13-year longitudinal study of marriage. Idealization was operationalized as the tendency for people to perceive their partner as more agreeable than would be expected based on their reports of their partner's agreeable and disagreeable behaviors. Spouses who idealized one another were more in love with each other as newlyweds. Longitudinal analyses suggested that spouses were less likely to suffer declines in love when they idealized one another as newlyweds. Newlywed levels of idealization did not predict divorce.
Source: "Positive Illusions in Marital Relationships: A 13-Year Longitudinal Study" from Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin

2) Marry somebody with high self-esteem. Ladies, you're probably already attracted to this. Guys, watch out for women who don't feel good about themselves:

A model of the commitment-insurance system is proposed to examine how low and high self-esteem people cope with the costs interdependence imposes on autonomous goal pursuits. In this system, autonomy costs automatically activate compensatory cognitive processes that attach greater value to the partner. Greater partner valuing compels greater responsiveness to the partner’s needs. Two experiments and a daily diary study of newlyweds supported the model. Autonomy costs automatically activate more positive implicit evaluations of the partner. On explicit measures of positive illusions, high self-esteem people continue to compensate for costs. However, cost-primed low self-esteem people correct and override their positive implicit sentiments when they have the opportunity to do so. Such corrections put the marriages of low self-esteem people at risk: Failing to compensate for costs predicted declines in satisfaction over a 1-year period. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2009 APA, all rights reserved)

Source: "Commitment insurance: Compensating for the autonomy costs of interdependence in close relationships." from Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

3) Ladies, want a husband who is actively involved with his kids' lives? Find a guy with higher socioeconomic status. Plus it'll make your kids smarter. (Money never hurts, does it?):

Previous studies in developed-world populations have found that fathers become more involved with their sons than with their daughters and become more involved with their children if they are of high socioeconomic status (SES) than if they are of low SES. This paper addresses the idea proposed by Kaplan et al. that this pattern arises because high-SES fathers and fathers of sons can make more difference to offspring outcomes. Using a large longitudinal British dataset, I show that paternal involvement in childhood has positive associations with offspring IQ at age 11, and offspring social mobility by age 42, though not with numbers of grandchildren. For IQ, there is an interaction between father's SES and his level of involvement, with high-SES fathers making more difference to the child's IQ by their investment than low-SES fathers do. The effects of paternal investment on the IQ and social mobility of sons and daughters were the same. Results are discussed with regard to the evolved psychology and social patterning of paternal behavior in humans.

Source: "Why do some dads get more involved than others? Evidence from a large British cohort" from Evolution & Human Behavior"

3) Guys, you want to avoid that whole "involuntarily celibate" situation that men fear after years of marriage? Don't marry a woman who is sexually submissive:

Women are bombarded with images of women's sexual submission and subservience to male partners. The authors argue that women internalize this submissive role, namely, they associate sex implicitly with submission. The authors propose that this association leads to submissive sexual behavior, thereby reducing sexual autonomy and arousal. Study 1 found that women implicitly associated sex with submission. Study 2 showed that women's implicit association of sex with submission predicted greater personal adoption of a submissive sexual role. Study 3 found that men did not implicitly associate sex with submission. Study 4 demonstrated that women's adoption of a submissive sexual role predicted lower reported arousal and greater reported difficulty becoming sexually aroused; sexual autonomy mediated these effects.

Source: "Sexual Submissiveness in Women: Costs for Sexual Autonomy and Arousal" from Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin

4) Find someone who is conscientious and even a bit neurotic if you want a long and healthy life together:

The present study tested the effect of conscientiousness and neuroticism on health and physical limitations in a representative sample of older couples (N= 2,203) drawn from the Health and Retirement Study. As in past research, conscientiousness predicted better health and physical functioning, whereas neuroticism predicted worse health and physical functioning. Unique to this study was the finding that conscientiousness demonstrated a compensatory effect, such that husbands' conscientiousness predicted wives' health outcomes above and beyond wives' own personality. The same pattern held true for wives' conscientiousness as a predictor of husbands' health outcomes. Furthermore, conscientiousness and neuroticism acted synergistically, such that people who scored high for both traits were healthier than others. Finally, we found that the combination of high conscientiousness and high neuroticism was also compensatory, such that the wives of men with this combination of personality traits reported better health than other women.

Source: "Compensatory Conscientiousness and Health in Older Couples" from Psychological Science

6 signs your relationship is in trouble

Here are six signs your relationship may be in trouble. 

1. The relationship isn't a priority
Between work, kids and life, it can be easy for a relationship to become lost among other responsibilities. "There's an ebb and flow in relationships," says Shizgal. "There are seasons, there's change – it's a work in progress."

However, if your relationship is chronically not a priority then that’s a problem. If your relationship is not a priority, then you've "lost the mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship and the maintenance of the relationship," explains Shizgal.

2. You expect your partner to meet all of your needs 
We often come into a relationship with an unrealistic expectation that our partner will fulfil all of our needs. Your partner isn't your parent, though, so it's not his or her job to meet all of your needs, explains Shizgal.

"It's hard to separate out that my unmet needs are for me to figure out and for my partner to support me in," she says. If you blame your partner – or vice versa – for not assisting you financially or for not helping you cope with stress and anxiety, then you need to step back and consider whose job it really is to fulfil those needs.

3. Checking out
If one or both of you is checking out of your relationship, then that's a problem. According to Shizgal, a relationship is a "conscious partnership" that involves "both people taking responsibility for the relationship, because two people have to be reliably, sustainably engaged," she says.

You need to be aware of how your actions – or lack thereof – are impacting the relationship. Ask yourself what you're bringing to the relationship. Are you present? If you're checking out of the relatinonship, then you're not engaged in a conscious partnership and that's not healthy 

4. Lack of eye contact
"When couples are in distress, even in small arguments, they tend to stop looking at each other and avoid eye contact," says Shizgal.

You could be avoiding eye contact for many reasons: maybe you're not telling the truth or perhaps you're afraid of facing your problems. Either way, not making eye contact is a physical sign of a problem in your relationship. Ask yourself why you avoid eye contact, says Shizgal. Then, actually make an effort to make eye contact with your partner.  

5. You've stopped fighting
Fighting is a sign we often associate with a troubled relationship, and while fighting too much is not healthy, not fighting at all isn't healthy either, says Shizgal. "I think it's important to be able to fight and disagree and survive," she says. "Often, when we can work through conflicts or disappointments, we end up moving closer together."

If you don't fight it usually means that you're scared of upsetting your partner by saying that you're mad. However, if you don't express how you feel then you'll never work through your issues as a couple.

6. A pattern of pursuit and avoidance
"Sometimes people get so scared of jeopardizing their relationship or pushing their partner further away, that one person ends up chasing the other person, while the second person avoids them," says Shizgal. She calls this a "pattern of pursuit and avoidance" or "avoidance/avoidance."

This is usually a symptom of a relationship where the couple doesn't communicate or isn't sure how to communicate well. A couple that is stuck in this pattern has to learn how to communicate effectively and to actually address issues, instead of avoiding them. 

Ultimately, relationships are a work in progress and you need to ask yourself if you can work through the issues you and your partner may have. Can you talk out your differences? Can you renegotiate your responsibilities so that everyone is happier? If not, then your relationship has a serious hurdle that it may not be able to overcome.

source-http://www.canadianliving.com/

The Dangers of Arguing in Front of Your Kids

You know that sick feeling that comes over you when you and your husband are shouting angrily at each other -- and then you look up and see your child standing wide-eyed in the doorway?

If you're like me, you can remember just how upset you felt when you heard your own parents argue. By the time we were preteens, my sister and I had suggested to my parents that they get divorced if they couldn't get along any better. They never did anything of the kind, so I have to conclude it bothered us more than it bothered them.

Is Arguing in Front of the Kids Always Harmful?

An occasional disagreement -- call it a "heated negotiation" -- during which you treat each other with respect and move into problem-solving, say therapists, is actually a good thing for kids. It's considered a form of role modeling. But arguments in which you repeat the same points over and over, or call each other names -- where you are venting resentments rather than solving problems -- have no up side for the children. "If you bully one another, your kids learn to bully others. "And they will turn that treatment right back on you once they are teenagers."

Do Parental Fights Have a Negative Influence on Kids?

"Children start by being frightened by their parents arguing," says Jacobs. "Later, they become disgusted. 'How can they live like this?' they wonder. Eventually, they develop a fear of being similarly trapped, and as adults may have the tendency to bail out of relationships early."

What Can Parents Do to Minimize Any Trauma?

If kids witness a bad argument, don't sweep it under the rug, says Lindquist, go ahead and apologize to them. Reassure them that you love each other. Mention specifically, in age-appropriate terms, how you would have liked to talk about the conflict. For example: "I'm sorry Daddy and I were arguing last night. We both feel bad when we say bad words. We can work things out better when we don't interrupt each other and use soft voices."

How to Keep Arguments Under Control

1. Argue as though the neighbors are able to hear you No name calling, no foul language, no raised voices.
2. Actively use your listening skills.
3. Give direct eye contact and do nothing else while your spouse is
talking. Look riveted. Nod your head, no matter what they are
saying.
4. Repeat what the person has said. Use as many of the same
words as possible.
5. Sympathize. Let the other person know you understand that they
are feeling bad, even if they are blaming you for the problem.
6. Ask, "Is there anything more you want to tell me?" Give your
partner a chance to discover deeper feelings, and to shift to a
calmer, more neutral place.

If you find yourself getting carried away, call a time-out. Stop right there and agree to talk later. Then make a time to sit down and have a real discussion about what is bothering you -- the bigger issues of your life and your marriage.

And do it when your children do not have to be an audience.